Who masturbates with the door open?

OK, so I started the blog and then I kinda took it back. I was worried that other people were gonna catch on and read it. I think I've convinced the person that I was worried would actually read this that I wasn't going to do it, and he lost interest. But let's just say, in case anyone finds this, that this is BASED on my life. Only because if someone starts picking out similarities, I don't want it to come back to me. So it could be true. Maybe not. Don't be getting all mad about me getting candid, ok? I'll fuckin bury you.



I am married. Have I said that already? I am. I'm married for less than five but more than two years to a male. He likes brownies, and anything pizza flavored, and Pepsi. I guess what I'm saying is I'm married to a child. He's a very business dude, great at his job, but a child inside, no doubt. We are best friends, and I say that with all sincerity. Before you run away and hide from the sappiest love story this side of the Mississippi, there's more than meets the eye.



We're getting a divorce. No one on his side knows, really. Well, I stopped wearing my wedding ring over a year ago. He still wears his, and I wear a variety of jewelry, so it's hard to tell if people know, or if they just think I read something in Alternative Press magazine about wedding rings being bad for your music ability. Who the hell knows? Anyway, he's playing it close to the vest, and pretty much all of my friends know. Especially since I've been seeing someone else for close to a year. He was a co-worker, and now he's not. He's a dude I'm seeing. And that's all I have to say. You'll hear more about him later.


Anyway, my reason for writing is that I caught my husband masturbating. It was insane. I was just minding my own business, on my cell phone on my deck, and then I remembered I had to look something up. I go in and my laptop wasn't on the couch, where I left it. I knew my husband was home, so I started looking for him, assuming he had picked up my laptop. I wandered around and looked in the master bedroom, and the bathroom door was wide open. Neither one of us have ever been comfortable using the bathroom with the door open (I even run water when I poop, still) So I pushed the door the rest of the way open. Mistake.


Immediately, I get a glance at the laptop, which is sitting on the countertop, and there's a girl getting boned from behind, and he's sitting on the can with a crazy look on his face. I notice wang action. Then he sees me. Furious movement ensues, and I'm not talking about his chain. He jumps up, puts his pepper in his pants, runs toward me, and slams the door shut.
Now to my question. Who masturbates with the door open? Turn on the fan and shut the door: I'm not gonna risk a face full of poo stank to check and see if you're masturbating. Or don't do it when I'm home. I mean, I'm out on the deck, but fucking hell, people. Quick tip for those who surely aren't reading the blog: don't jack off when other people are home unless you want to get caught. I'm hardly ever here. Wait an hour, buddy.