Penis or Vagina? Wages, please!

I didn't realize until this morning, when I was taking a look at a comment, that saying "this guy" makes people think you're a dude. I have always said "this guy" and thought it was just understood that I am a girl. No one in person has mistaken me for a guy, sans one time in high school when my hair was super duper short, but the lady was old and it was from behind. Anyway, I'm a girl. Not very girly, but a girl. I dress up nice but don't wear panties, I speak intelligently but curse like a sailor, and I have, literally, changed a tire for a boyfriend while wearing a skirt and heels. Sorry for the confusion

In the spirit of So Very Alone, I was thinking I need to come up with a name for myself on here. I don't know what to choose, so if anyone has any ideas, let me know. I have a name I liked when I was a child, but it's pretty lame, now that I think about it, "Candie Jewels" sounds more like a stripper's name than a video-game playing, cursing, drinking, smartass girl. Or maybe a mobster dude's name, I don't know. Anyway, let me know if you think of anything.

Also, my last post was made in extreme anger. I'm feeling kind of bad about it. This feeling is amplified by the fact that my friend did read the post, did figure out it was her, and I got another 4am phone call. Awesome. Anyway, the jist of the phone call was that I am kind of a bitch, and I was being rude, and I shouldn't publish our conversations anywhere. I wouldn't agree to that, so she just gave up and we got off the phone. I'm really not a terrible friend, but when you're rude to me, or you are waking me up to talk about something that's not an emergency, we have a problem. Namely, you.

Today's my interview. I'm slightly nervous. I still need to go shopping for some accessories, and I need to get my hair straightened. Other than that, I'm golden. I'm interviewing with two guys, and my technical knowledge and charm can usually dazzle them pretty easily. I think guys really love girls that are techies. Who am I to change that stereotype? At least they're not staring at my boobs.

Maybe you could get a show on the Backhanded Compliment Network!

I went out with the boyfriend last night. We went to dance at a country bar that plays pop music, too, not really my thing, but whatever. We went with his mom and her boyfriend, and it was ok. Strange to let his mom's boyfriend pay for our entrance and a few beers throughout the night. It was very nice, but strange.

Anyway, I ran into an old friend last night, someone I've known a few years, and it was great to see her, at first. We danced and ran around and she just couldn't stop herself from talking about how cute my boyfriend was. At first, it was sweet, then it was annoying. OK, I get it. He's cute. I know. That's one of the many reasons we're dating. Shut your mouth.

Then today, I get a call from her, saying almost the exact same things she did last night. Here's how it went down.

Friend: He is just SO cute!
Me: Thanks! He's really cool, too. Not all looks.
F: I know! He's so affectionate, putting his hand on your back, and you can tell you guys have that thing. Chemistry! So, seriously, are you nervous being in public with him?
M: *polite laughter* What?
F: You know, because he's cute and stuff. How long have you been seeing him?
M: A year, give or take. Why?
F: I just think it's sweet that he is staying with you after you gained weight. A very unshallow guy.
M: Unshallow is not a word. What did you say about my weight?
F: You know, I mean, we're both not sticks, you know? We can tell each other things.
M: Starting with the fact that I've gained weight?
F: Yeah, I mean, you know...umm...you look good, your face is just filled out a little, that's all.
M: And you thought bringing this up would make me...what? Grateful that I have a boyfriend who didn't care that I gained ten pounds? Embarrassed about my body and ashamed enough to drag my ass back to the gym? Or were you fishing for a compliment, since you've maintained the same weight since I've met you?
F: Honnnneeeey! I just meant that he's a good guy! Calm down!
M: You couldn't think of any other way to say that, other than "Man, your boyfriend's hot, and a chubby chaser. How convenient for you."
F: I didn't mean that.
M: You know, I'm dieting, and exercising right now, because I have noticed that I gained some weight over the winter. Not a huge amount, though. Speaking of which, aren't you like thirty pounds heavier than I am?
F: Oh, bitch! *click*

Any girl can see I am so in the right here. Who the hell says shit like that? It's not as if I've gained a massive amount of weight. I know I'm short, and it does show a little more on me than taller people, but seriously. It's not as if I'm the Marshmallow Man. What a skank. I think people who say shit like that, who play into your insecurities, should be forced to face their own. So, Chunkers, I gave you the link. I hope you read this and figure out this is my blog. And I hope you understand why I got pissed at you.

Also, like Harlan, I have an interview tomorrow. Nervous, but not too bad. It's a pretty easy interview, I think. I'm sure I'll be fine.

Milking the Prostate

I always get sucked in to stupid movies when they come on TV. I avoided it, for the most part today, by sleeping. I stopped off at the boyfriend's house, and Road Trip was on. How long has it been since you saw that? Unless you caught it on TV today, it's probably been a while. Anyway, it's a pretty stupid but hilarious movie that always captures my attention. I don't know what it is about stupid movies that you get sucked in to every time they come on TV. My friend said his movie is Blue Chips, and I am always sucked in by The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. I was just sucked into that on TBS, I think, the other night. Terrible, pointless movies, but I can't turn away. No matter how tired I am, I HAVE to watch the stupid movie.

In other news, I actually have a couple of comments! Made my day! I can't believe I have garnered some interest in my blog! I really only talk about stupid crap, but, if you have a minute, take a look at the comments, and check those blogs out! I have. I would describe them, but I feel like if I do, it wouldn't come off as genuine, since I don't know you personally and I would probably be totally wrong. "This is about you and your boyfriend?" "My boyfriend and I broke up today, you stupid bitch!" "AAHHHH! Don't virtually slap me!" So anyway, check-check-check them out, ya'll!

I had the amazing kind of sleep last night. I haven't had it in so long. You know, the kind where you drift off naturally, without trying to fight it and my phone rang at 4am this morning. What the motherfuck, dude? I have NO problem with waking up, or being a "morning person"or whatever, but 4am? Did your fucking rooster crow too early? Anyway, it was a babbling friend of mine. She called to tell me the following:

• She couldn't sleep.
• Thanks for the info, dipshit. I was, too, when the fucking phone rang. What a coincidence.
• I didn't answer her text messages, and she got worried.
• Seriously? What, did you think I was tied up in a trunk, with my phone behind my back, and my phone ringing was the only thing I was waiting on? Because the only button I could recognize on my phone behind my back is the "talk" button?
• On a side note, the button doesn't say "talk" anymore, does it? It's a green phone. But you can't say phone, because the "end" button is now a red phone. If I say "the green button", my post doesn't flow as well.
• I am spending too much time thinking this out
• Her ex is a prick.
• Stop talking to him. Every one's ex is a prick, and if they're not, then it was probably your folly that ended the relationship in the first place. Unless you're seriously friends, and your friendship has nothing to do with the relationship you previously had, get the hell off your phone. You're wasting three people's time at this point.
• She's gaining weight.
• Try dieting. I know you've never had to do it before, but you're having the problem now, so fix it just like everyone else does. Diet, exercise, and shut up.
  
• She's getting sleepy now.
• Go fuck yourself.

I finally got back to sleep around 5:30, and I woke again to the sound of a text message around 7am. It said, and I quote "Thx 4 ur er!" I returned the text with this "Shut up. It's still early. Go to sleep or leave me the hell alone. Also, we're in our mid-twenties. If you're going to text, text in English." I turned off the phone and I slept in bliss until 11am. When I woke up and started it up, it had no messages from her. Oh, well. Who needs friends who wake you up at 4am for nothing? Not this guy.

Sharing your opinion is scary

I did it. I posted on another website, with great intentions and a well-thought out comment, but I linked back here. That's really, really scary. Anyway, I heard about this site back in December and thought it was awesome. It actually won a Bloggie, and it's really, really interesting. You can read back and gather more about this guy's life, he just started it in November, and it's incredibly interesting Anyway, here's the link:
http://soveryalone.com/
Check it out. And check the comments and look at other people's blogs. I think it's only fair that a blogger link to other, interesting blogs. Anyway, hope you love it!

Also, I don't have much to write about. I'm on my period, and I'm bleeding like I've been shot. It's ridiculous. All I've wanted is coffee and chocolate. I'm sure to gain a pound or two this round. I'm trying to eat a lot healthier so I can balance that shit out. Also, in the spirit of gaining weight, I ordered some pills to help me lose a little. Bikini season is coming up, and while I have absolutely NO hopes of squeezing my ass into a bikini, hopefully I can at least slim down so I don't get nervous every time I pull a pair of pants out of the closet. Also, my tits aren't fitting in my bra anymore, which is like a DEAD giveaway that I need to lose some fucking weight. If you get quadraboob, put down the fork. That's all for now.

Who masturbates with the door open?

OK, so I started the blog and then I kinda took it back. I was worried that other people were gonna catch on and read it. I think I've convinced the person that I was worried would actually read this that I wasn't going to do it, and he lost interest. But let's just say, in case anyone finds this, that this is BASED on my life. Only because if someone starts picking out similarities, I don't want it to come back to me. So it could be true. Maybe not. Don't be getting all mad about me getting candid, ok? I'll fuckin bury you.



I am married. Have I said that already? I am. I'm married for less than five but more than two years to a male. He likes brownies, and anything pizza flavored, and Pepsi. I guess what I'm saying is I'm married to a child. He's a very business dude, great at his job, but a child inside, no doubt. We are best friends, and I say that with all sincerity. Before you run away and hide from the sappiest love story this side of the Mississippi, there's more than meets the eye.



We're getting a divorce. No one on his side knows, really. Well, I stopped wearing my wedding ring over a year ago. He still wears his, and I wear a variety of jewelry, so it's hard to tell if people know, or if they just think I read something in Alternative Press magazine about wedding rings being bad for your music ability. Who the hell knows? Anyway, he's playing it close to the vest, and pretty much all of my friends know. Especially since I've been seeing someone else for close to a year. He was a co-worker, and now he's not. He's a dude I'm seeing. And that's all I have to say. You'll hear more about him later.


Anyway, my reason for writing is that I caught my husband masturbating. It was insane. I was just minding my own business, on my cell phone on my deck, and then I remembered I had to look something up. I go in and my laptop wasn't on the couch, where I left it. I knew my husband was home, so I started looking for him, assuming he had picked up my laptop. I wandered around and looked in the master bedroom, and the bathroom door was wide open. Neither one of us have ever been comfortable using the bathroom with the door open (I even run water when I poop, still) So I pushed the door the rest of the way open. Mistake.


Immediately, I get a glance at the laptop, which is sitting on the countertop, and there's a girl getting boned from behind, and he's sitting on the can with a crazy look on his face. I notice wang action. Then he sees me. Furious movement ensues, and I'm not talking about his chain. He jumps up, puts his pepper in his pants, runs toward me, and slams the door shut.
Now to my question. Who masturbates with the door open? Turn on the fan and shut the door: I'm not gonna risk a face full of poo stank to check and see if you're masturbating. Or don't do it when I'm home. I mean, I'm out on the deck, but fucking hell, people. Quick tip for those who surely aren't reading the blog: don't jack off when other people are home unless you want to get caught. I'm hardly ever here. Wait an hour, buddy.

Beginnings

I'm starting the blog. Holy shit, this is kind of scary. What I originally intended was to have a blog where I could write like a crazy person, and I wouldn't have to worry about people's feelings or anything. The mistake I made is telling someone I was creating a blog, someone I don't really want to worry about having to edit posts and whatnot for, and now it looks like one of the biggest influences in my life right now is going to read this. So. That was fucking stupid. Maybe I'll make a new blog somewhere else and never tell. Maybe I shouldn't write that on this blog. I'm a moron.

Anyway, I guess I should tell you all the unidentifying traits about myself. I am close to being in my mid-twenties, I am a female, I am all about clarity and logic, unless of course it involves alcohol, for which I seem to be willing to lie, cheat, and steal to get at this point. I don't think I'm an addict, though, and if I am, I have more addictions to worry about first. I think I am addicted to being around people and showing a fun side to myself. For some reason, that is all people can usually think of when they think of me. So fun! A great person to party with. That's true, but I have other facets, motherfuckers.

I have a mid-sized family. I live in the midwest. I am the product of a house fire, but when you say that, people get the wrong idea. I was never burned, and neither was anyone else, so put that out of your head. Further explanation could identify me. I am not necessarily white, but I'm not necessarily black. Ooooh, that was kind of snappy. I like it.

I love strawberry cupcakes with strawberry icing. I know it's indulgent, but fuck it. I spent my entire life playing it safe. That's right. I'm walking on the wild side, starting with pastries. My entire life is a mess, but the great thing about this mess is that right now, everyone still loves me. Once the cards start falling, I'm sure things will change, but hey, I'll be here to document my demise. Entertaining reading for you.

I listen to lots of music, and love lyrics. Lyric analyzation takes up a ton of my day. I also spend a lot of time wanting to write lyrics, and I should carry something with me, because I come up with fucking diamonds constantly, but then I forget them. I have too much going on to remember insignificant shit like two lines to a new song I want to write anymore.

Anyway, I'm going to stop babbling. The idea of this blog is just to have somewhere to go to talk, expose myself without getting arrested, and show you some cool shit I know. Hope you love it as much as I love sharing it.